A Matter of Trust

“Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?”
John 11:40

I am coming to recognize a sinister plot that I have been prey to. I have heard of others caught in its web, too, but I foolishly thought I was immune to it. In fact, I read about other victims nearly everyday who have found themselves a part of this diabolical scheme and have shaken my head, partly in pity, partly in self-righteous judgment over their blindness which got them there.

No one is above falling for this. And one rarely knows that one has become a victim until a light is shown on the problem after an extended amount of time. Sadly, some never understand what is really happening. And even after finally understanding what has transpired, that new knowledge is no guarantee that they will be saved from finding themselves there again.

I am becoming more aware of a frightening pattern in me. Take this week for example. We have been praying for something in our family with our kids. I have thought, “Lord, it is going to be so great for my children to see You come through [of course, in my way, with my timetable, and my details]…thank You so much that we can trust You with this situation.”

We recently found out that the Lord closed the door that I was just positive He was going to swing open for us. It wasn’t even a BIG thing we were asking for Him to do. But now that the door is slammed shut, my mind is racing about what else is going to be a no. It makes my mind run down paths of panic. I project the no onto other things that are still possibilities and become an “Eeyore” (remember the donkey in Winnie-the-Pooh?) and feel as though I have my own rain cloud over my head.

In the middle of the gloom, the Lord started speaking to my heart:

“Shawn, do you trust Me?”

Of course, I trust You, Lord.

“No, Shawn, you don’t trust Me.”

What? What do you mean? I do, too!

“Then why are you panicking? Why are you so upset? Why is your mind so filled with fear? Shawn, what you really want me to do is do what you want. What you want. Not what is best for you. I know the plans I have for you. They are good plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Do you believe it?”

Silence from me.

He continued:

“I am perfectly in control. My ways are higher than your ways. Don’t try to figure Me out! There is no peace in that and it is impossible. I will do what will bring Me the most glory and that will be what you could not even begin to think of or imagine.”

So what is the plot? Satan does not want me to have to trust my God. He knows that trust is what changes me into becoming more like Christ. He knows that if I don’t trust, I will not see the glory of God or His salvation in my situation. He desires to rob me of that-to make me bitter, unyielding, and hardened. My flesh wants what it wants when it wants it, but it does not want to bring God glory. Scripture is full of people who thought they knew better than God, who failed to trust Him, and were wounded or destroyed for their arrogance. And I am one of them. No room for arrogance on my part.

My definition of trusting God has been a shallow one. It is one that demands He take away the very circumstance that makes me desperate for Him. The health issue that won’t go away. The loneliness of being single. The agony of a barren womb. The empty chair at Christmas. The marital problem that plagues. The financial difficulties that never stop. My definition of trust gives me license to pout like a petulant child when I don’t get my way. It is one that does not recognize that God wants holiness in my life more than my happiness.

How could I be so blind? And it will not be for the last time. I will fall prey again to the plot and lie that my God is not big enough for my circumstance. Why? Because I am human. I am made of dust. Because I do not wrestle with flesh and blood but with the accuser and his demons who want me to miss out on the abundant life Jesus has promised is mine.

Thankfully, He does not treat me as my sins deserve. His everlasting arms have never loosened their grip. I only thought so. And His kindness is what brings me to repentance.

So, Jesus, although I do not feel like it, I will praise You with all of my heart for giving me reasons to trust You today. I will believe by faith because my emotions are so unreliable. May I not be blinded as long the next time. I will not ask You to take away the circumstance. I only beg You to help me in my unbelief and to be able to say, ” Not my will, but Yours be done!”